


He’s Not There

by Queen__of__Angst



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: /ptsd, Gen, Hurt Peter, Hurt Peter Parker, Major Character Injury, No Spoilers, Peter Parker Whump, Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Title is a next to normal quote bc I’m a nerd, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Whump, anxiety (?), doesnt have anything to do with iw, im not really sure what timeline this is in, might change it later tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-05-23 03:49:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14926562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen__of__Angst/pseuds/Queen__of__Angst
Summary: In which history repeats itself.(Or more accurately, Spider-Man tries to stop a mugging on the same street that Uncle Ben died and freezes up)





	1. Peter

It was a muggy summer evening in Queens. Peter had been out patrolling all afternoon- school was winding down, and his lightened homework load meant he could be out later.

It had been a slow day, and he was just aimlessly swinging around some buildings when his spidey-sense alerted him to something going down a block away.

He processed what he saw as he dropped down to the street. A mugger had someone at gunpoint- shitty situation, but pretty much routine. But as soon as his feet hit the ground he knew something was wrong, _wrong, wrong._

He’d been on this street before. Lots of times before, obviously, but not recently. He’d avoided this street like the plague. Because he knew this street too well, he remembered this street too well.

He was there again, frozen in time. The air was exactly the same, except it was dark outside and Uncle Ben was crumbling to the ground exactly where Peter stood now, a bullet in his chest, dying, and there was nothing Peter could do to stop it. He could still see the blood on the pavement under his feet.

And before he managed to snap back to the present, the mugger pulled the trigger and Peter was falling, falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof so it’s like 11:00, I’m hiding in my room writing fanfic and I’ve had this in my head for three days, so I just kinda word vomited. Second chapter coming soon, if anyone has any suggestions or anything please dear god give me some feedback I have no idea what I’m doing


	2. Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback (details are a little fuzzy bc I’m not sure how it went down in the MCU but ya know, that’s what fanfic is for)

_Lights flashed. He’d faintly heard his uncle’s voice, telling someone to stop. The robber. A loud noise. And then Ben fell._

  
_“Uncle Ben?” Peter called into the dark night. “Uncle Ben?” He sped up, running towards the man lying in the street._

_Uncle Ben’s eyes were open, searching for his nephew, a splotch of dark red spreading over his chest._

  
_“No. God no,” Peter gasped, hands shaking. Ben coughed, then spoke._

  
_“Peter.”_

  
_He’d shut his eyes, finally giving in to the bullet wound._

  
_“No. Wake up, uncle Ben, wake up!” Peter pleaded, tears dripping off his chin. His arms wrapped around his uncle’s body, unsure of what to do. Sobs raked his chest._

  
_“No!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take this with a grain of salt it’s the middle of the night and I haven’t slept in two days because there was a giant spider in my room. If anyone has any suggestions or editing help I’m down for criticism as long as it’s constructive (I already have enough self loathing to last me a century, thank you very much)


	3. Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony finds his *cough* son *cough* I mean the kid he’s mentoring.  
> Be warned, angst ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did so much goddamn research for this chapter my guys. More than I have ever done in my entire AP Lang class. Which is none because I’m lazy and good at bullshitting stuff, but I digress. Please dear god leave comments I’m starving for validation. Also this chapter put me through hell so if y’all have any suggestions how to fix it (*Chris Evans voice* I don’t wike it) I’m game.

Tony Stark was completely engrossed in tinkering with his idea for a new design of the spider suit when he got a notification from his AI.

  
“Boss, it appears Peter Parker has just been shot.”

  
“What?” His head snapped up and around, eyes wide.

  
“I’ve called emergency services, but it’s likely that an ambulance will not get there before he ble-“

  
“Where is he?”

  
She gave him the address of the little bodega across the street from where Peter lay. Tony was in the Iron Man suit and flying across the city before he was even able to process what was happening.

  
He knew it was bad as soon as he could see, judging by the little group of people huddled around gawking.

  
“Get away from him, go. Clear the street. And if any of you even think to come back and sneak a peek, I will not hesitate to track you down and give you a case of repulser face.”

  
The people around Peter shuffled.

  
“I’m serious people, move.”

  
They walked away slowly, keeping their eyes locked on their city’s masked vigilante. Tony stepped out of the suit and ran to the kid.

  
He was face down, crumpled up on the pavement like a piece of paper. And there was so much blood. Tony tried not to think about it.

  
“Peter?” He prodded the kid gently before flipping him over softly, so that he lay on his back. “Friday, run vitals.”

  
Tony peeled off the spider suit and mask while Friday updated him from the Iron Man suit hovering nearby. “His heart rate is erratic, close to 120 beats per minute. Blood pressure is lowered, pulse weakened, and breathing rapidly. I would say he’s in shock, and I estimate that he’s lost nearly 1.7 liters of blood. You’ll want to stem the bleeding before he loses even more.”

  
Tony cursed under his breath. That idiot kid. He realized he’d forgotten to bring anything for first aid in his haste to get to Peter, so he settled for using his shirt instead. He pressed it down onto the nasty looking wound, as Peter gasped and tried to shrink away.

  
“Peter?” Tony tried again, heart pounding in his chest. The kid tried to open his eyes, blinking slowly against the motion. His pupils were huge. “Shock,” piped up Friday’s voice again, but Tony could do nothing but stare at Peter’s face.

  
“‘Cl B’n?” Peter asked slowly, his voice small and pained. Tony’s heart sank lower in his chest.

  
“No kid, it’s me, I’ve got you, okay?”

  
Peter shivered, “m sorry, t’s my fault”  
Tony almost laughed at that. A gunshot wound to the chest, and Peter was exactly the same. But he just opened his mouth, not sure what to say.

  
“Fri, can I move him? Take him to the hospital myself?” He asked after what seemed like eternity.

  
“Moving Mr. Parker without adequate medical equipment would be ill advised at the time, boss.”

  
Tony gritted his teeth. “Well how much time have I got?” 

  
“Based on traffic patterns, the ambulance will be here in approximately 6 minutes”

  
“And how much time for him?” He gestured towards his protégée with his head.

  
“Boss, the severity of his blood loss and his state of shock could kill him at any minute.”

  
He glanced at the kid’s face, who was still mumbling something about “Ben” and “sorry,” and set his jaw. “Fuck it.”

  
“Pete?” He said softly, moving one of his hands to summon the suit to him. Peter’s eyes slid up to meet Tony’s, somehow staring at him and past him at the same time. Tony pressed down a little harder on the wound. “Hey buddy, we’re gonna move in a minute, okay? But I need you to stay awake, I need you to keep talking. Can you do that for me?”

  
Peter just whimpered, his skin growing colder by the minute.

  
Tony let the suit envelop him, keeping at least one hand down on the wound at all times.

“Alright Friday,” he muttered,  
“How do we make a stretcher?” Friday scanned his armor and he chuckled.

“Never needed a chest plate anyway,” Tony mused as he ripped it off and welded down using the repulsers, as well as any other metal piece not directly necessary. He loaded the kid up onto his scrap bed as gently as he could, having a spare piece of the suit keep pressure on the hole in Peters chest.

  
“Alright Fri, is he stable?”

  
“As stable as he can be at the moment, boss.”

  
“Then let’s go.”

  
He took off en route to the nearest hospital, while desperately chatting to the kid in his arms. Peter mainly only groaned or whimpered back, and the few times he did speak it was to his uncle.

  
Tony landed at the ER with the broken mess of a kid in his arms. The doctors wasted no time in loading Peter into an actual gurney and jamming an IV into his arm. They ran with him, yelling medical jargon, and Tony just sort of followed dazedly behind. Either no one noticed him, or no one wanted to be the one to stop Tony Stark.

  
Everything started happening in double speed.

  
“He’s fading!”

  
“His heart rate is rising rapidly, where’s the anesthesia?”

  
“He has it! It’s not working!”

  
“What do you mean the anes-“

  
She was cut off by the most horrible sound in the world.

  
The sound of a flatline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I’m going off to camp for the week on Monday, so y’all won’t hear from me until Saturday. But don’t worry, because I’ll have all that time to write the next chapter. Sorry for killing y’all with this my loves, if you want to follow me on tumblr @anneonomus to scream at me feel free.


	4. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His thoughts were too muddled in his brain to make out, except one that sliced through his brain like a knife.  
> What am I going to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a lil bit of research for this but not much so there’s probably more plot holes than I can count. Let me know if there’s anything I can fix.

Tony’s hands trembled as he stared at the floor.

“Clear!”

His whole world shook with his hands as he listened to the shock, unable to watch. He couldn’t do anything but sit on the tile floor and listen.

“And if you died I feel like that’s on me.” Tony’s own words echoed in his brain, making his heart clench. It was on him, god, he couldn’t save the kid in time and now Peter was gonna-

He sucked in a sharp breath before he could finish the thought.

“Clear!”

The little voice in the back of Tony’s head that wouldn’t shut up told him that it was the third shock they were administering to the kid’s limp body.

His heart didn’t restart.

“Clear!”

Four.

Tony couldn’t breathe. The kid couldn’t die, he couldn’t.

“Clear!”

Five.

Tony realized there were tears on his cheeks, he didn’t even realize he had been crying.

“Clear!”

Six.

A choked noise escaped Tony’s throat.

“Clear!”

Seven.

_Please, kid._

And then came the most important sound in the world, the faint gasp of breath through the kid’s lips and a tiny beep of the heart monitor.

Tony’s head swam with relief as the doctors began to urgently swarm around Peter again. But it was quickly replaced by anxiety when a whine like scream escaped the kid’s lips.

Dear god, the kid was _awake_.

The doctors started to wheel him out, yelling something about getting him to surgery. Tony was still too anxious to move, much less follow them. He stayed sitting down against the wall, paralyzed with fear. His thoughts were too muddled in his brain to make out, except one that sliced through his mind like a knife.

_What am I going to do?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He lives!! (For now)
> 
> Seriously though guys, these chapters are getting harder and harder to write. Someone please help me out. I’ve already gotten some great contributions on the PTSD (I’m way out of my depth), but more would be appreciated, as well as help writing the hospital, because despite the fact that both my parents work there, I actually have no idea how a hospital works.


	5. Floating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter’s POV sort of. Like the surgery and stuff. I’m bad at writing don’t judge me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok first off I did absolutely no research for this chapter because I’m lazy and impatient. Second off, this one is super short and I’m sorry but eh.

It was dark, and Peter was cold. Something warm wrapped around him, and vaguely he was reminded of uncle Ben tucking him in at night, back when he was just a little kid. He floated there in the memory, peaceful for a second.

And then a little gasp of air filled his lungs and Peter was yanked back to the world of bright light, and cold, and _pain_.

It hurt, god it hurt so bad. If he could’ve screamed he would’ve. The best he could do was a whine that came from deep in his chest, where the pain was stemming from.

Something plastic, a mask, was pressed to his face and Peter’s consciousness was dulled.

“He out?”

“He should be.”

The voices were muffled, hazy, but Peter could still hear them. Something was wrong, the medicine hadn’t quite put Peter to sleep. It mustn’t have been strong enough with his advanced metabolism. Sleepily, Peter tried to figure out some way to communicate that to them.

And then the fire started.

It was pain like he had never felt before. Peter felt like screaming in agony, only he couldn’t figure out how to connect his brain to the rest of his body. His spidey senses, however, made him precisely aware of where the scalpel and each gloved finger were inside his body. It was like they were starting with the bullet hole and tearing the rest of him apart.

Eventually, he wasn’t sure how long, because a second felt like eternity, his body finally had mercy on him and he drifted out of consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard to write and the next one is going to be even harder so have patience please! Idek how I’m going to write May into this but I have the basic storyline of the next chapter dancing around in my brain so it’ll probably be done in like a couple days. No promises tho I’m a very busy person.


	6. May

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deja Vu:  
>  _noun. ___
> 
> __1\. A feeling of having already experienced the present situation._ _

May was worried.

Normally, Peter returned home before dark when he left for patrol. Even at the end of the term, he always had something to study for.

And even when he got caught up somewhere, he always at least called.

She drummed her fingernails on the table, the meatloaf she had made for dinner sitting cold in front of her.

Anxiety was tying knots in her stomach. What had happened to her baby boy? He could be anywhere right about now, _he could be dead for all she knew!_

She knew she was overreacting. Just, this was not how she imagined coming home after a long day at work. Sitting, waiting for her nephew to call, too tired to even pace around the room. Too nervous to even hum along to the song playing on the radio in the background.

May realized she could feel her phone buzzing in her pocket. She pulled it out, hope and apprehension building in her chest. But instead of seeing Peter’s number, her heart dropped.

It was the hospital. That hospital. The same one that had called so long before. Ben’s hospital.

“Hello?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I kind of wrote this three days ago and I didn’t want to post it before I perfected it, but this is as good as it’s gonna get for now. Also so sorry for the short chapter but I’m just under a lot of stress rn.  
> If anyone has anything, comments, advice, criticism, even praise, (haha I’m still sort of an optimist) comments are always open and trust me I will take any of what you guys say to heart and try to incorporate it :-)


	7. Tony and May

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting room dramas? Hells yeah

May Parker burst through the waiting room doors, looking both parts disheveled and determined. Tony grimaced when he saw her, snapping out of his frozen state and slipping into the persona he often wore over his panic. He gave her a little wave.

She made a beeline for him, landing directly in front of Tony with a death glare to rival the Terminator.

Five feet five inches of quivering anxiety and rage. “What happened,” she spit out the question like venom, “to my child?”

Tony was quiet, fighting his anxious urge to immediately spring to his own defense.

May gave him a look, a glare and a question all in one.

“He was shot,” Tony struggled to keep his voice level, “out on patrol. I don’t know how.” His words were blunt, pointed, hiding the emotion stabbing at his chest. But he couldn’t hide the tears and pain in his eyes.

May gave him a once over and Tony could see the moment she decided he could stay. She sat down in the chair beside him and put her head on her lap.

They sat there together in silence for what seemed like an eternity.

“Mrs. Parker?”

A young looking doctor had stepped halfway out of the entry door. May followed him up into the front of the room.

They stood locked in an intense, whispered conversation for a minute before May turned to Tony.

She beckoned for him to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I popped my elbow out of place on Saturday and it hurts like shit to type but am I doing it anyway? You bet! Anyway I’ve never actually been in a waiting room so I don’t really know how they work I’ve only ever been in surgery or the ER. Leave comments/ suggestions/ criticism below!


	8. Hover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of that folgers commercial:   
> The best part of waking up is whump in your cup!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My arm,,,,, hurts my guys. But anyway here’s the lovely whump that no one asked for. I actually really like the concept of this chapter but my writing is,,,, how you say,,,,, subpar. Curse the AP Lang gods for not making me better at writing fanfic at 1:00 in the morning  
> Some of this part is from personal experience! I had a surgery this year and it was,,,, not fun. But some of the little details are my own! (Also not relevant but they had to use a shit ton of anesthesia to keep me down, and I woke up really soon right after they finished because I was coughing and hungry)

The first thing Peter was aware of, when he first started to wake up, was the hurt.

It wasn’t as bad as it was before. But still, it was there, cutting under the fog of sleep like a knife.

As soon as he woke up a little bit more, he realized he was moving, as if he were riding in a car or something. There was a loud, rumbling noise that should’ve made it impossible for him to hear, but he could still pick up a little of what was happening around him.

His eyes blinked open sluggishly, confused.

There was something strapped to his mouth, with a long plastic tube attached to it. Panic started to set in, and his heart rate spiked. Everything was starting to hurt so much worse as each second passed by.

Over the strange sound, he heard someone’s voice. A woman’s.

“-not enough! We’re going to have to trust your calculations!”

“We don’t know it won’t overdose him.” Peter recognized that voice from somewhere. It was a man’s voice. His dad? Uncle Ben?

“We can’t leave him like this, he’s waking up! It’s too much stress on his body!” The woman’s voice again.

The voice Peter recognized didn’t answer, and once again he was left to the pain without the distraction. His chest hurt so badly, but at least it wasn’t as bad as the fire from before. He shivered just thinking about it.

The woman’s voice came back, lower and more urgent than before. “We know your math is never wrong. You have to trust it, for him. We can’t just leave him in pain, Stark.”

 _Stark_.

But Peter barely had time to dwell on this, because in a split second his arm turned ice cold, and then he was slipping back down into the wonderful arms of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m currently evilly cackling because I know where this story is going and No One Else Does. It’s such a great feeling I’m finally getting to the good kush. The even more emotional whump.  
> As always, comments, concerns, suggestions, and criticisms are much appreciated. I’ll even entertain questions abt my arm (jkjk)


	9. Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony’s Pov

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dabs* haha this chapter is not so bad, I’m good at writing angst.  
> Also, I got a four in AP Lang y’all!!! I’m honestly a little dissapointed but hey it’s still a good score.  
> Want to fix anything, comment, criticize, or maybe even praise? Comments below are open!

* * *

Tony’s hands shook.

_The doctors knew. They knew about Peter, knew he was “enhanced”._

“Some of the others want to turn him in, have him be put on the registry,” the doctor was saying. “I can help you sneak him out, but we’d have to move fast.” She looked to May.

May looked at Tony. He was silent for a minute, thinking.

“What do you need?”

The doctor chewed on her lower lip. “He’s not stable enough to be moved anywhere far away, at least not by ambulance. And we don’t have adequate medical care for him here. If we have to take him someplace, our best bet is to airlift him. I can put a referral in the system so we can take one of the helicopters, and I’m assuming you know someone who can provide care?”

Tony nodded, “I’ll make a call.”

* * *

 

He was sat in the back of a helicopter with May, discussing med calculations with Helen Cho.

Tony had just finished calculating the dosage needed to keep Peter down when the heart monitor started speeding up.

“Cho?” His voice was unsteady. The kid’s eyes were opening. “ _Shit_.”

“The dosage they gave him must not have been enough,” she said, eyes wide. “We’re going to have to trust your calculations.”

He shook his head, looking at the kid. Peter just seemed so small. “We don’t know it won’t overdose him.”

“We can’t just leave him like this! It’s too much stress on his body!”

Pain was beginning to dawn in the kid’s eyes. Tony’s own heart rate climbed with Peter’s, and he hesitated.

Cho spoke again, lower, urgent. “We know your math is never wrong. You have to trust it, for him. We can’t just leave him in pain, Stark.”

Tony looked at the pain in Peter’s eyes, his heart thudding in his chest. He bit his lip. The kid, _his kid_ , was hurting. If they left him awake, the shock would probably kill him. If they knocked him out, there was a chance he would die. Tony was too hot, choking, hyperventilating, but he had to make a choice. Peter’s pain cut through Tony’s own panic like a blade.

He nodded.


	10. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter just lay there, _lifeless _.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate my writing style I hate it anyway have this slightly fluffy angst.   
> As always, comments are open.

Tony just sat and _watched_ the kid. Watched Peter’s chest rising and falling with each breath he took. He hadn’t moved a muscle since they landed, a syringe of naloxone clutched tightly in his hand.

_Just in case_.

They had landed at the Avengers compound about an hour ago, and so far Peter hadn’t shown any signs of overdose. But Tony couldn’t take any chances. May was curled up in a chair beside him, asleep. Tony figured the stress was too much on her body.

And so he sat alone, and he watched.

Peter was so tiny in the bed, covered and surrounded by tubes and machines. The ventilator was still down his throat, Helen had said they’d wait a day or two to take it out. And so Pete’s chest rose and fell rhythmically.

Even though he knew Peter was breathing, Tony had a hard time believing it. The kid just looked so lifeless. Normally he was up talking a mile a minute, but now, Peter just lay there, his skin the color of wax. Tony thought about how he found him, lying face down on the pavement.

_And there was so much blood_.

Tony reached forward and put his hand on Peter’s own, needing reassurance that the kid was there in front of him and not bleeding out on the pavement.

He stayed like that, unmoving, until he fell asleep some hours later.


	11. Swirling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter’s consciousness is swirling

Peter’s consciousness was swirling. He kept drifting in and out of being aware of his surroundings.

The first time it had happened, he could only hear what was happening. Someone was talking to him, someone who’s voice he recognized. His throat itched and he wanted to cough, but he couldn’t really move. Eventually he slipped back off into unconsciousness.

The next time he was a little more awake. He could move more freely, so he slowly blinked open his eyes. Mr. Stark was haphazardly strewn against a chair, asleep, with aunt May curled into herself a few chairs down.

He wanted to call out to them and tell them he was awake, but his eyes were heavy and sleep was muddling his thoughts.

He continued like that, for the remainder of time he was out. He didn’t care to open his eyes much, he was just so _tired_ , but sometimes he could tell that the others noticed when he was at least semi awake. Like the time that he shivered just a tiny bit, and promptly something warm and soft wrapped around his frail form.

It wasn’t until much later that he woke up for real.

It was light, and he knew when he opened his eyes that this time was different. The heavy fatigue was gone, replaced by just a slight haze that dominated his brain. He was confused, he was disoriented, but still, he was awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hnnngh this is the longest fic I’ve ever written and I swear to god I hate it more by the second. Anyway yeah this chapter is kind of weird but yeah. Parts are derived from experience (like the swirling, half waking up, needing to cough) and parts of it are just shots in the dark  
> Comments are open B)
> 
>  
> 
> Also unrelated but does anyone want me to write a whump fic abt tony sort of cleaning Peter up after he gets beaten up by bullies? Bc I kind of have a concept in my head but I also hate my writing so oof


	12. Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A spiderling awakens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dabs* sorry it took me so long with this chapter I’m on vacation. Also I hate my writing so I’ve been like stuck on the first half of this chapter for a couple weeks

Tony watched the footage from the spider suit for the millionth time, cringing every time the bullet hit and red splattered the camera lens.

“Friday, give me his vitals through the video again.”

He listened to her read through them, again, and drummed his fingers on his tablet rapidly, trying to make sense of it.

_What was special about that mugger? That gun? How did he get a bullet into Spider-Man? Was it some kind of special gun, like the weapons Toomes was producing? Could it be one of Toomes’s minions? Could he be powered? Some kind of mind control like Wanda? Should they be finding him? Could he hurt the kid again? Did he-_

“He’s awake.”

May’s voice, over the intercom. Tony scrambled up to answer, hands still shaking. “Like, awake awake?”

There had been a few false alarms. Peter had drifted in and out of a half conscious state for the last handful of weeks.

“I think so. This time is different, he’s saying your name, not...”

She didn’t finish her sentence. Tony didn’t expect her to. He flung open the door of the room he had been pacing in and started running towards the med bay, calling back to her. “On my way.”

* * *

Peter was groggily talking to his Aunt when Tony walked in, unnoticed. He couldn’t tell what it was about, but he could’ve sworn he heard the kid apologize. 

He paused, shaking a bit, before speaking.

“Pete, you took about five years off my life, don’t ever do that again.”

“Sorry.”

“No. What? Kid, don’t-don’t apologize,” goddamn. Tony always got all tongue tied and twisted around the kid, he was just so goddamn frustrating. He could never say the right thing, do the-

“Mr. Stark?”

Tony took a deep breath.

“Mr. Parker?”

“Are you okay?”

Tony guffawed. Was he okay? _Jesus_. He’s not the one who nearly bled out on the street. Not the one who almost died.

He massaged his temples, eyes shut, trying to figure out how to say what he meant. After what seemed like eternity, he opened his mouth.

“Kid. Pete.” His words tumbled out, clumsy, oafish, and he mentally kicked himself for just being _so_ bad at this.

“I, um, well I’m just trying to say, kid, that I care about you, okay? And I need you around. So let’s take it easy, alright?”

When he looked back up, he remembered he wasn’t alone. May was listening with rapt attention, but her glare this time was almost, dare he say, warm? It was definitely lacking the icy chill that the woman possessed.

And Peter, Pete just looked sheepish. Chagrined, almost, and Tony could still read the apology in his eyes. But at least his eyes were open, and moving, and reacting, and alive, and _god_. Tony didn’t particularly believe in religion, but he would do anything just to keep his kid alive.

“Alright,” Peter’s tiny voice piped up.

Tony smiled. “Alright kid, why don’t you start by telling me what happened?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who’s in queens right this minute?? It’s meeeeee!!!  
> Comments are open, as always.


	13. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter comes clean about his panic and his guilt.

Peter answered all of Mr. Stark’s questions.

No, there was nothing special about the gun. Nothing special about the guy. He wasn’t working for Toomes, as far as Peter knew, and had no personal vendetta against Spiderman. He was just an ordinary mugger who had gotten spooked, shot, and ran.

 _The problem was Peter_.

But he couldn’t say that out loud, not with aunt May there, not with Mr. Stark there. They couldn’t know how weak he really was. And May, May couldn’t know how Ben was his fault. She would hate him. _God_ , she would cry. So he kept it inside, burning around his heart like acid.

“Then what happened, kid?”

Peter looked at May, then Mr. Stark, then went back to studiously examining his fingernails.

“I just froze.”

It would’ve been believable, he thought, if not for the tears brimming in his eyes.

“Kid?”

He looked up at his mentor. Mr. Stark’s eyes were just so soft and goddamn caring, and he couldn’t, he couldn’t keep it in. Tears started to pour down Peter’s face as he finally broke down, rushing to get the words out of his mouth like they were poison.

“It was the street,” he choked out, his voice close to breaking. “The same street where uncle Ben died, and I was there. And I got one glance at it and I was there again, standing where he stood and it’s like I was right back in that moment just watching him fall and I couldn’t move and then, and then-“

He couldn’t finish his thought, sobbing and choking and hyperventilating, and god he couldn’t breathe. Panic clutched itself tightly around his chest and he needed to get out, get out of there, but he couldn’t.

 _Your fault, your fault, your_ fault, his intrusive thoughts chanted in a singsong voice.

“Kid?? Kid!”

Mr. Stark’s frantic voice finally broke through his blind panic, and he felt strong hands on his shoulders, grounding him.

“Breathe with me for a minute, okay kid?”

Peter spent the next few minutes going through breathing exercises with Tony Stark, until he had finally calmed down enough to at least be in the present.

“Did, did that happen?” Mr. Stark asked him, “a panic attack? A flashback?”

Peter nodded miserably, tears still dripping haphazardly off of his face.

“Oh, Kid.”

Peter still couldn’t look up. “It was my fault. It was my fault he died.”

“ _Oh, kid_.“ Tony put his hand under Peter’s chin, trying to reassure him. “None of this was your fault, kid. Ben wasn’t your fault, the panic isn’t your fault. No one blames you for anything, and you should stop blaming yourself.”

Peter looked up.

“We love you, Peter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it’s been a long trip, but I’m finally done!!!  
> I actually don’t like this chapter that much but it is a good place to end it on so,,, oh well.  
> The panic in this chapter is mostly based around my own experience with panic attacks.  
> As always, comments are open :3c

**Author's Note:**

> Please for the love of lesbians give me feedback


End file.
